A blindness, an illusion, a suffering ... The exaltation of hearts and bodies, the passion, the carnal and mental trance of amorous beginnings, does not necessarily announce a tragic end. On the contrary.
Titus and Bérénice, Romeo and Juliet, Heloise and Abelard, the Princess of Cleves and the Duke of Nemours ... Why is love passion always described as a tragedy? Why is she considered in everyday life as a nightmare, a trap to avoid? Because, etymologically, it stems from pathos, "suffering", and especially "dependence".
In 1538, in a magnificent text entitled Painful Angoysses who proceed from loves (Honoré Champion), Marguerite Briet, who wrote under the pseudonym of Hélisenne de Crenne, tells the relationship upset and flamboyant two lovers who, in turn, speak to describe their torment: she, victim of a "sensual appetite" that "grows and increases" in spite of herself; he, "struck in the heart", "held captive" from the first look exchanged, and trying in vain to "resist".
Passion, says the psychologist Annik Houel, author of The Female Adultery and her novel (Armand Colin), "it is love at first sight, we are dazzled. love, we manage to see the defects of the other, not in passion, which I bring closer to the Stendhalian crystallization: we recklessly betray the other of all the virtues ". When the fantasy falls, when we realize that the other is not the one we had idealized, everything collapses.
"To say that I wanted to die, that I had my greatest love, for a woman who did not please me, who was not my kind", realizes Swann, whose eyes are draw (in A love of Swann of Marcel Proust (Flammarion)). Aurélien, 40 years old, hardened single, was violently deposed from his pedestal by his former companion. And he does not want to hear any more about passion: "Three years of exhausting relationship: too much addiction, roller coaster, narcissism, disappointment ... She left after aborting our baby, I thought I was dying." Deadly attachment, passion would dig the grave of each and the couple.
A bridge between the sexes
Not necessarily, not systematically, tempers Annik Houel: "It happens that we manage to negotiate with our illusions plated on the other and to form a couple with the one we ardently elected. " This is shown by, for example, Julia Kristeva and Philippe Sollers. For there is a solar slope to this inexplicable exaltation. A slope that can anchor the couple in time. Nothing transports as much as the physical connection to the other.
"When passion is on the side of idealization, we are always disappointed.But when we consent to a real encounter, without wanting the other to be ourselves or to be "ideal", the couple becomes possible as real, in the Lacanian sense of the term, that is to say that it can become sustainable. Love is certainly in the words, but the body, with its impulses, enters masterfully at play. The couple "enters" in the conversation with two because it is not done at once and that it is played in many respects ", explains the psychoanalyst Christiane Alberti
For more than five years, Bulle, 50, declined Henry's advances, even though he attracted her, and she too was married. knew he was a man of women, that he lived in a "free" couple. " But not me, she reveals. And I was so afraid of what could have happened, of my desire for him, that I had spoken to my husband. I had asked him to help me. Years later, we found ourselves, Henri and I, by chance. We were alone, very unhappy both. I had no more excuses. He kissed me and we did not leave each other. I immediately liked to touch his body, hear his voice. At first it was atrocious. I missed him all the time, even when he was there. I could not get out of his arms. It was not brilliant on his side either. On the way back to my apartment, I was getting romantic teen texting. He said that I was his "bad", that he did not understand what was happening to him, that he was ashamed, that he usually did not cling like that. "
If passion love is sometimes difficult to accept, especially for men, says psychoanalysis, because it feminises them, it puts them in a fragile position, a position of lack and when Jacques Lacan pronounces this famous formula " There is no sexual intercourse ", it does not mean that women and men do not meet in physical love, but the opposite: they are close to each other.
"The relationship between the sexes is not programmed to be complementary. They evolve in different languages, with the common desire to be heard, says Christiane Alberti. They approach and form, make a couple. Although it is conventionally claimed that men tend to fetishize - they will love a specific detail, a look, a skin color, the dress she wore that day - and that women find their satisfaction in the world. Love more than enjoying the body of the other, it is beyond these symptoms that clutter them that a construction is possible. "The vases communicate.